Author's Note: All you readers, consider this a test!


1. The Question

I have tried, oh I have really tried believe me; but I simply cannot. I have tied myself up, handcuffed myself naked, searched the internet, read stories and spent hours, days, weeks even months trying to but I just cannot get there.

I have dreamt and fantasised and explored but still come up short; and it is driving me crazy; frustrating the hell out of me. I simply have to know but I do not now think it is even possible. It has taken over my life; I can no longer bear not knowing.

I now have to ask myself, is this the only way? The only option left for me to find out? If I go ahead with this, am I prepared to go where it may take me?

I can imagine what it is like, but can I really? Imagine? I mean really imagine? Can anyone?

What does real bondage feel like?

How do you truly know, unless you have been there?


2. A seed is planted

It was Doug's fault, well let's face it, most things are. We have been going out together nearly two years, and living together the past four months. It is my house, I have been here eight years since I bought it new. That is part of the problem; they are all my neighbours and not yet really his. Also I have a large friend base and half of these are guys around my age and I love my social life. Doug's job takes him away; he manages a national company and has to visit regional offices each week and so he leaves on a Tuesday morning and returns on a Friday; back at his local office by two and home four o'clock on the dot. He loves routine.

I don't work; I don't need to and so choose not to. I come from money and have a set allowance that is double even Doug's 'Fat Cat' Managing Directors wage. In time I will inherit a fortune. Again, this is part of the problem, Doug's problem.

You see, I spend all my time swimming, or running, or at the gym or the Tennis club or the Golf club. I keep myself very fit and constantly pamper myself with beauty treatments. I have been asked to model numerous times but even though it may be fun it sounds like work to me and I don't really need it.

The real problem is that Doug is jealous. He knows I go out with a friend or friends most evenings, often male friends. He also sees how well I get on with my neighbours and has seen my garden and pool parties. It was one of these pool parties that started it. He had only been living here a month when he complained about me going topless in a thong in front of our guests. I assured him that there was nothing for him to be jealous over; it is only flesh on show and besides, all the touching is reserved for him alone and I meant it; I do love him, I am besotted with him and would never cheat on him.

This wasn't enough though and week by week more questions and doubts would enter his mind, phoning and texting me all the time asking who I was with, what was I doing, what was I wearing; even face-timing me to see, that kind of stuff. He started to make comments if I was out wearing stilettos or stockings or if I was in one of my dresses I couldn't wear pants with or that showed too much skin; eventually with him asking me if I was faithful. That is one of those questions that never go away.

A few weeks later his jealousy overtook him and in a slightly drunken stupor one night he actually accused me of having an affair "probably the Tennis coach" he said, "it normally is with you pampered rich type."

We slept apart that night, I cried my eyes out; I was losing him and it was all in his mind.

I really did love him and didn't want to lose him and so the next day I had it out with him, I asked him "how the hell am I meant to prove I am not having an affair?" We argued but I just plain refused to curb my social life; I didn't work, it was all I had. Then he dropped the bombshell "I have thought about this and I have a solution, the problem is me being away through the week and knowing how good you look, and how driven you are with sex; I mean let's face it Shaz (yeah, we live in Essex) you are borderline nymphomaniac; well I have bought something that would ease my jealousy."

I was intrigued but also insulted, so much so I laughed "I am not a fucking nymphomaniac; I only ever do it with you (and myself, and my toys, lots; but he doesn't need to know this) and that isn't that often!"

Doug also laughed "you meet me at the door naked, and you are taking my pants down before I make the hallway; you do me every morning and every night and every opportunity between. You have even had me pull off the motorway to park up and shag you in a farmer's field; and don't think I haven't seen all those battery operated toys of yours."

Oh shit, he does know then!

I asked "Okay then, what have you bought, what is this miracle that will cure your jealousy?"

He came over all embarrassed now and stuttered out "well I bought it a couple of weeks ago but couldn't really find the right time to approach the subject, but now is as good as ever; let me show you. You will probably think it is silly but please don't laugh at it, please give it a go because I am pinning all our hopes on this working."

He left the room and I heard him walk upstairs.

He returned with a plain white box and opened it but I had twigged, I knew what it was before I saw it, a chastity belt. He lifted it out and I must admit, between my giggles I did think it looked so beautiful. Really slim and lightweight and all shiny gold; it looked more like a piece of fine jewellery than bondage wear. My fits of laughter at how ludicrous this was weren't helping matters much.

I said "no, Doug, absolutely no fucking chance, no."

"Shaz, if you do love me, if you want "us" (doing that Yuppie fad thing with his fingers in the air to emphasise the obvious which I hate) to work then at least give it a go, at least try it on! I have bought the absolute top of the range, the lightest slimmest belt possible so that you can still play tennis and stuff and wear most of your nice outfits; and if you are not having sex elsewhere then what is the problem?"

"The problem is Doug I want you to trust me, not lock my pussy away."

"Shaz, I want to trust you, I just cannot help my mind being wired the way it is, please, for both our sakes please at least try it."

I just stared at it, giggling uncontrollably every few seconds trying to imagine what it would be like. Doug added "I did my homework, worked out all your measurements and had it made to order; it is adjustable but should be a pretty good fit; please Shaz, for me, for us, please?"

Stepping up I took it out of his hands and went to another room and stripped off and tried it.

The front was loose with three flat metal ends; two from either end of the belt and one dangling down from the rear. The ends of the belt pushed into each other and it was a good fit around my waist but I had to hold them together. Then drawing the end up from between my legs this slotted into the bottom of the belt. I had to push as it was a tight fit; it was straining against my pussy and up between my butt-cheeks before it clicked home. This locked the belt together also. He was right, it was ultra slim; I couldn't even see a lock but it was well and truly locked in place. I tried but I couldn't even get a finger to my pussy. I walked to the hallway and looked in the wall mirror; my God it looked good on me. I actually liked it, but I also hated it, me and pussy are best friends and this thing isn't going to come between us!

I put my little dress back on and went through to him "okay, I have tried it, I don't want it on me, it's a stupid idea now give me the key."

"Take your dress off, let me see you in it at least before we discount it."

"No Doug I don't want to be seen like this, give me the key."

He seemed to think about it, maybe assessing his options, and said "no, I don't think so Shaz, the whole idea about chastity belts is that the wearer never gets the key; I will take it off you when you are naked, and besides, you have to give it a chance, wear it a little, see how it feels; so come on, show me."

"Doug, you are not seeing me in this ridiculous belt!"

"Fine, I will go and shoot some golf until you are ready to show me."

Well no way was I backing down and I argued with him all the way around the house as he changed and then following him out to the garage as he collected his clubs and then to the car; he was joking obviously, he wasn't leaving me in this while he played golf? Surely?

I was still thinking this as the back of his Merc's disappeared up the drive. Bastard.

Well that was what planted this seed in my mind although I didn't realise it at the time; I was just fucking angry! Opening my 'special' wardrobe I looked at all my lovely toys, wrestled with the belt and felt a whole lot angrier; all alone, time on my hands and my pussy well and truly locked away; Twat!

He eventually returned, I eventually allowed him to see me naked in this thing, and he eventually took a fob out of his pocket, pushed a button and my belt came apart. No wonder it was so slim, it had an electronic lock built in! We immediately had the most wonderful, rampant sex we had enjoyed in a long time, like a couple of fucking love crazy fucking Bunnies!


3. Growing the seed

I refused to wear the belt much to his disappointment but I told him it was his problem not mine, live with it or stop going away, his choice.

However this experience gave me a problem. I didn't realise immediately but when he next went away and I was left in bed alone at night I started fantasising like never before; about being locked in the belt, about being tied up, restrained, at another's mercy. It wasn't something I knew anything about but I found myself constantly having these thoughts through the day and wondering, just wondering.

When Doug returned on Friday I again met him at the door and just about shagged his cock off him and we went clubbing and had a brilliant night. Then the next day he spoiled it by asking if I had given the belt anymore consideration. No, I am not wearing that belt! Annoyingly though I did want to experience wearing it again but I couldn't admit this to him. There was just something about it, I hated the thought of having my pussy locked away even from myself but this was not it, it was the thought of having anything locked on me and me being unable to do anything about it that was driving my fantasies; I had to know more.

I knew I was a spoiled child, I wanted for nothing growing up. My parents are extremely wealthy and I even had my own Nanny caring for me as well as my parents. I have never been disciplined or chastised in any way, ever; never even really shouted at. The thought of somebody having control over me, maybe even making me obey them is driving my imagination wild. It was time to consult the internet.

I wanted to understand my feelings when I had been locked in that belt and first I googled 'Chastity Belt experience' and this in turn led me to various videos and then somehow to 'Lesbian Bondage' which at first I thought was hilarious and then extremely erotic as I found some really well made films.

This took me into bondage and restraints in general and everything I looked at either made me cringe or laugh. However later in bed I had never been so horny and my fantasies were simply off the scale fantastic, but as much as I fantasised I could not truly imagine what it would be like to be helpless in restraints like the girls I had seen in the videos.

For days this haunted me and I continued with my internet education until another week had come and gone. During the week Doug had continued to bombard me with calls and texts and in the bedroom on his return he asked me again about the belt; I didn't even answer him directly but pushed him back onto the bed, whipped my dress over my head, dropped my pants kicking them off and jumped up and straddled him, worked my thighs up over his face and asked "If you had a pussy like this, would you lock it away?"

He replied "Too true I would, everybody would want a piece of it."

I made him eat me anyway!

The problem was I couldn't imagine, not really; and as much as I researched it I had come to the conclusion that if it was beyond imagination then the only option was to try it. I ordered some handcuffs, a posture collar and a gag.

The following week I tried them.

I spent a lot of the next three days walking about the house naked but for my newly delivered bondage gear and I loved it. What I hated was that every time I got bored at all I simply unlocked my cuffs; and lying in bed with the cuffs locking my hands behind me I couldn't even touch myself; where was the fun in that? This was far more frustration than pleasure.

I went back to the internet and researched 'self-bondage' and ordered some more cuffs for my ankles so I could 'spread-eagle' myself on the bed and use the ice timer method for my release so that I couldn't simply get bored and release myself.

Still this didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, I loved the feeling of being helpless and vulnerable but the truth was I was neither. Nobody was going to take advantage of me and it was only a matter of time before my guaranteed release. It fed my fantasies but still I could not truly imagine real bondage; my experience with the belt when Doug had held my release was the closest I had come.

I went back to the internet and explored, studying videos and trying to imagine myself in the girls helpless position and what she was truly feeling but again this was limited by my own experiences; I couldn't truly imagine.

I went to gagged utopia and started reading bondage stories to try to better understand the feelings and emotions experienced in bondage; and two stories in particular, 'Dian Taylor Oh My God' where Dian had gone through the same process of learning as I am now, and then 'Scratching an itch' (both stories GT Stokes - available on this site) where poor naïve Alex had suffered this bondage education being thrust upon her brought it home to me that I won't have it until I have tried it. Not just self-bondage but true bondage.

However the videos I had watched had changed me, and certainly my awareness of bondage. At the Tennis club in the changing rooms I started to see the other girls in a different light; as potential partners in sex rather than just tennis. I paid more attention to them and did spot on one girl the tell-tale signs of cuff marks on her wrists and ankles. I was so tempted to just ask her "Tracy, what is it like, really like to be chained down and helpless?" But of course I didn't.

Another week came and went and on his next trip away I restrained myself on the bed every night and imagined, and imagined, and imagined; with no success.


4. Delivery

So now I am lying here once again asking myself this same bloody question because it has taken over my life; I can no longer bear not knowing. I ask myself, is this the only way? The only option left for me to find out? If I go ahead with this, am I prepared to go where it may take me? I have imagined what it is like, but can I really imagine? I mean really? Can anyone? What does real bondage feel like? How can I truly know, unless I have been there? Just lying here it is eating me up and making my precious pussy squirm at the thrill of finding out.

It is Friday and looking at the clock I see I have slightly less than two hours before Doug will return and find my note, providing of course that I go through with this.

I am naked and have already cuffed my ankles wide apart, I have my handcuffs already fastened to my left wrist and I only have to reach up, stretch a little and take the little chain links around the centre brass pole of my headboard and close the other cuff around my right wrist to make myself helpless. I have my blindfold and gag by my head but have not yet decided whether to use them. It is still not too late to back out; the keys to the handcuffs are with the note downstairs but my ankle cuffs are not locked, merely buckled. Again I ask myself, if I go ahead with this, am I prepared to go where it may take me?

The note I have left Doug with the key reads:

Doug,

I am waiting for you in bed.

I need you.

Do not rush this moment, I am not going anywhere.

Make it sensual, make it sensational, make me yours.

Give me the experience and feeling I am looking for.

Make me love and obey you and I will wear your belt.

Get it right and I will be your slave.

I need to know, what is true bondage?

Take your time, be adventurous, imagine!

xxxxxxxxxx

The note is stuck to the inner door, on bright yellow paper, impossible for him to miss. The key to my cuffs is taped to it. The moment I close my cuffs is the point of no return; I will be truly helpless and this frightens me; this is a place I have never gone before.

I lay here imagining; what will Doug do? What will he think? Will this frighten him or will it excite him? Will he really make me wear the belt if I go through with this?

Will any experience or sensation this could possibly give make me willing to wear that evil thing?

At the same time I am reliving one of those videos where two girls were together; one naked and cuffed to a bed as I am now, the other naked and massaging her slowly, kissing her, using her hands and mouth and lips and tongue to pleasure her; her pussy, her breast, her nipples and her face; her hands all over her while she writhes in sheer pleasure; certainly a pleasure beyond any I am experiencing and I so need to move to another level.

How badly do I want this? How badly do I need it? My head is spinning and I am starting to breathe heavy and even gasp in nervous anxiety. I have to close my eyes and breathe slowly to recover. The sun is shining through the half closed blind and even eyes shut I cannot find darkness. I fasten my blindfold on to help; just to relax and think straight. I have my favourite music collection playing loud so that I will not hear Doug arrive. Still my heart races, I am forcing this decision too fast; it could wait, I could release myself and maybe do this next week instead? Think about it a little more.

Then I berate myself "don't chicken out at this stage for Gods sake; think, I have time, think this through." I was scared I was quitting on this too easily so I put the wad of cloth into my mouth and buckled the ball-gag in place, and slipped the open cuff around the headboard and placed my right wrist into it, my left hand holding the cuff in place ready to ratchet it closed once I fully committed to do this.

I continue with my deep breathing and continue to picture that fantastic lesbian scene of pure love and pleasure and I lose myself in the fantasy; squirming in the bed imagining it was me in that video, right here, right now. Whoa, what just happened? Did I drift off for a moment there? For Christ's sake Shaz, don't fall asleep like this!

Whatever, I have come to my senses and made my decision and I am not ready for this yet, not ready to involve Doug; not ready to commit to being helpless and vulnerable. I am starting to feel a bit silly now that I very nearly actually did this and let Doug find me like this. I will release myself and hide the note for another week; maybe, possibly write a better note; I mean that one I have left is a bit too romantic and lame anyway and why commit to wearing the belt, I don't want that anyway?

Besides, maybe this experience has been enough, nearly falling asleep just then in this near-helpless position has kind of brought it home to me just how vulnerable I would have been; I can imagine it better now.

Somehow, regardless of the loud music and my blindfold I sense I am not alone, there is somebody here with me, and it can only possibly be Doug; but as this realisation hits me a hand closes over my left hand and the last cuff is ratcheted around my right wrist. How? Why is he home so early? Oh no, oh shit, he isn't early, he never is; I didn't just drift off for a second, I fell asleep! I pull on my cuffs, strain my legs against the ankle cuffs, I am screwed. Doug speaks to me, and for the first time in weeks he actually sounds happy, jovial, laughter in his voice as he says "Shaz darling, I have dreamt of this for so long; you will not regret it for a moment. Well, you may miss your mid-week social life a little at first; and having access to your pussy when I am away but you will love your new life in bondage."

I freeze, my heart skips a beat in panic and I cannot believe what is happening. No, this is wrong, I changed my mind, I am not doing this!

His hands glide over my body, his teeth and lips pull on my nipples and his warm hands continue down to my vulnerable incredibly sensitive thighs and my body spasms and I cannot resist reacting to his touch. His finger flicks my pussy hard and it stings and I try to scream through the gag but then his lips and tongue take the sting away. He flicks my nipples hard again but nurses the pain with his mouth. His hands are all over me, doing things to me and as much as I pull and strain and fight for release I am helpless. He laughs quietly "just getting started Babes, this is going to be a fantastic night."

I start to understand true bondage, really understand it, not just imagine; Oh shit!

What is going to happen to me now I can only imagine.


Epilogue

Nobody fucking warned me this would happen! Nowhere on the internet did it explain about addiction! Or that the need was progressive! That I could possibly ever actually want to be spanked and caned; that I would kneel naked in front of him and beg to be restrained; or that I would beg to wear his belt! How was I to know that bondage once entered into and experienced was a lifelong need?

It has been a year since that wonderful night and has reached the point that I cannot find anything on the internet that I haven't tried already; but I am driven to keep searching.

I am living half my life in chastity and the other half a bondage slut sex slave!

On the bright side though, Doug, Master, is happy and that is what I now live for.

The answer to my question? Well no, you cannot possibly imagine true bondage, only experience it. The answer was nowhere to be found because the words do not exist in our language to adequately describe the feelings and emotions involved; I get it now, trust me, I really get it!

I have given you my story, my journey; the beginning of my adventure that I hope will never end. Now it is your turn; do you dare to imagine? Do you dare to go to the places your imagination may take you as I have? Go on, dare to dare; I dare you!

Imagine.